Stepping over it

Life is busy, birthdays, school admission stuff, extra nursery sessions, on top of the normal rounds of trips to the park, biscuit making and ironing. It’s all getting done. I am getting it done and I am fine.

Kind of. The annoying thing about sadness is that it doesn’t just go away because you will it to do so. It hangs around, mostly hiding, poking out in the quiet moments or if you have few quiet moments it makes some for you, by waking you up before it’s even light.

I’d like to that that very British thing of just putting it all in a mental box and burying it. Just step over it. I know the drill, have felt it all before, so can’t I just skip all this? Except it doesn’t work like that. You can’t just step over the bits of life that you don’t like, you have to go through them to reach the lightness ahead. How very annoying and inconvenient.

Comparing yourself to others worse off than you doesn’t magic it away either. Regardless of the fact that you know what you are going through is really nothing and that others are in real, raw, justified pain, you still feel what you feel. I look at what I have and I know I am lucky, in fact I don’t just know it, I feel it too. Lucky and grateful, but emotions are not completely in our control, they can’t simply be swept away by logic. Much better to let them in and wait until they wash away on their own, slowly eroded by time.

I often think that these emotions have faded and then something happens to make me realise that I have just been stepping over them and they have not gone at all. This week it struck that  the latest round of pregnancy announcements have hurt just a little more because, they have similar due dates to the one I would have had if things had been different. The magical twelve weeks would have been and gone. The realisation takes my breathe away for a moment and a sigh leaves my body, an almost physical accepting and releasing of an emotion.

There is nothing to be done. I have everything I need to be better, it simply takes time and I am impatient. I must wait it out. Wait it out and write it out, because that is all that I know.

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15 comments
  1. Snaffesmummy said:

    Not much to say but plenty of virtual hugs I can offer. Wish I lepived nearer x

  2. Rachael said:

    I’ve tried to write about four different replies to this but I think I just want to say how well you have described living with your emotions. I hope the sadness relents soon. Fingers crossed.

    • Thank you so much for your comment. I’m glad it resonates. Helps to know people get it.

  3. Beautifully written and very honest. I think that recognising how you’re feeling and writing/talking about it is so much better than burying those emotions. I really hope you feel stronger soon. Big love. X

    • It is and actually quicker in the long run, but it feels longer. xxx

  4. Heidi said:

    I had a miscarriage before becoming pregnant with our now 18 month old. It was horrible. I found great support online and eventually the two of us had a little ceremony. The due date was hard. Keep giving a voice to your emotions. Thinking of you.

    • Thank you. I have knitted framed booties for my other loses, maybe I need to do that.

  5. crystaljigsaw said:

    Such a difficult thing to come to terms with and you need time to accept it. It’s always good to get things off your chest though once the doors are closed and the lights are off, the pain is still there. Stepping through the grief is the only way to deal with it fully. Take care.
    CJ x

    • You are so right. Thanks for commenting. I’m just so impatient for this bit to be over.

  6. grief knows no limits and baby loss is especially hard as you bear the sadness of what happened and what might have been. Having taken 9 years to finally get pregnant the words of a friend that stayed with me after I miscarried were ”miracles do happen more than once”.

  7. How completely rubbish for you, I’m so sorry. Sending love and strength, Cx

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