I was really chuffed to be tagged by Mum with Carrot in her hair for a story and a song meme. The idea is to post a story relating to a song, it doesn’t have to be your favourite or one you listen to often but something that can transport you back to a particular moment in time. After her lovely post about her dad I wanted to make sure I did the tag justice and so have given it some thought for a few days. Mine was an easy choice and although the story may at times appear a little sad, it really isn’t in the end. I had some other ideas relating to weekends with friends or driving across Death Valley with Big Mck, which would frankly have been less revealing and raw but I decided in for a penny in for a pound with this blogging lark so here goes…
The song I have chosen is Gravity by Sara Berallis
I can clearly recall where I was when I first heard this song and my reaction to it. It was June 2009 and I was at home after being signed off work by my doctor following three unexplained miscarriages in the previous nine months. I had been finding it hard to keep things on an even keel in all parts of my life as I struggled with the possibility that the family thing was not going to happen for us. The doctor said I “needed to grieve”, which honestly, then and now, sounded a bit ridiculous and crazy but I went along with it and it turns out he was right. He arranged for me to have counselling with a great organisation called Pregnancy Crisis, who encouraged me to write about my experience and that is what I did.
It feels strange to realise you need to grieve for babies that were never actually born and that you never knew but with each positive pregnancy test there is a bundle of hopes for the future that has to be left behind when things don’t work out. The quick succession of my disappointments compounded the desolation I felt, coming in June 2008, October 2008 and February 2009.
Anyway, back to the song. I was in my kitchen, Ken Bruce was on the radio and it was a warm, sunny day as I remember the back door was open. I was drinking a cup of coffee and had my notebook and pen with me, ‘doing my homework’. He played this song, which I had never heard before and I simply stopped to listen. It seemed to perfectly encapsulate my feelings of being unable to move forward with my life because of fear and disappointment. I had always thought I was strong but at the time felt very fragile. However, I was realising that I no longer wanted to feel this way, the song seemed to vocalise this perfectly. I downloaded it straight away and would keep it to listen to when I wanted a bit of a cry and I kept on writing and writing and gradually it really helped.
Falling pregnant again so soon was actually a bit of an ‘accident’ and I worried it was too soon but this time felt so different. Whilst I would never forget my previous pregnancies they were no longer pervading all my thoughts. Of course, I had the odd wobble but I had realised there was no point in expecting the worst as it wouldn’t stop it happening and could possibly make it more likely. So, I simply took it one day at a time, stayed positive and for the most part felt this time it would work out. As you can see it did.
As you can imagine I don’t play the song often as I still get emotional when I do. Listening to it again has taken me right back to that moment and that time in my life. It has actually been a really positive thing to do so thanks again for the tag.
I would love to hear some more song stories so if you fancy a go please leave me a comment so I can read yours. I would also like to tag It’s a Mummy’s life and Muddling along Mummy for their stories.