I’ve had something on my mind recently, niggling at my brain as only negative thoughts can and I’ve been inspired to blog about it, after reading some really honest posts from Mummy from the Heart and Mummy Bear at She was not at all domestic. I am hoping that by writing it down I will either feel better about it or be so ashamed at such ridiculous nonsense that I will snap out of it and cheer the hell up.
Recently, I’ve worried that I’m not liked, specifically by the rest of my ante-natal group. The weird thing is that nothing has really happened to make me feel this way, no-one has said or done anything to upset me. I was missed off a group e-mail and the subsequent replies a couple of weeks ago, so didn’t receive a weeks worth of communication, but am sure this was a simple mistake and not personal. This hasn’t stopped me taking it personally though and has opened up a downward spiral of self-doubt.
Today, for the first time since we became friends, I felt nervous before our usual weekly get together and didn’t really enjoy it. I spent too much time thinking about what I was about to say or whether I was intruding. Whilst I usually come back feeling like I’ve had a relaxing morning for me, even though Mini Mck enjoys it too, today I felt flat and sad.
What is so frustrating is that this is all coming from within and I don’t understand where this lack of self-confidence has come from, as it’s really not me. As I said, I have given it lots of thought and have come to a few conclusions, none of which seem to have helped shake these feelings.
I am sure that time to think is one of the problems. Whilst looking after my son is one of the hardest and most tiring jobs I have ever done and I am always busy, I am not busy using my brain. Feeding, walking with the pushchair, driving around, doing housework; all these things give me far to much time to think, to over-analyse every e-mail or conversation and I have come to the conclusion that this is not healthy or helping. So, if I know that why do I allow my mind to wander into dangerous territory. I need to fill it with something else and more specifically, someone else’s voice other than my own. I feel a trip around iTunes coming on to look for some interesting and challenging podcasts.
These feelings have also coincided with most of the Mums in the group returning to or talking about returning to work, something I have chosen not to do. The important word there being chosen, I don’t want to go back to work, I want to just be a Mum for a while, not forever, just for a while. So, being as no-one has questioned or belittled my choice, why do I suddenly feel that people won’t be interested in what I think or say? Why do I feel inadequate and irrelevant? Of course there is more talk of how busy they are at work or how it is hard to fit everything in now that they have less time at home. These are conversations that I can’t join in with but there is still plenty of other topics and I’m not the only one who is making this choice.
After reading Mummy Bear’s post and the subsequent comments it occurs to me that I may not be the only one in the group that is feeling this way but for different reasons. Perhaps those that have returned to work are feeling stuck between two worlds, not belonging to either and I am picking up on their own lack of confidence.
Whatever it is, one thing this post has made clear in my mind is that I would hate for this great group of women to drift apart, as they have been great fun and an invaluable support, which I would not want to lose and am sure they feel the same.
Maybe I should take the initiative and suggest a night out, just for the girls. Perhaps with no babies and not attempting to fit a week’s worth of home stuff into one or two days and of course the obligatory glass of wine, we will all feel more like ourselves again.
I realise these thoughts I’m having are self-indulgent and self-pitying and I am lucky to have great friends, a healthy and happy son and a lovely and supportive partner who is happy for me to make being a Mummy my only job. So,I need to snap out of it. My plan is organise something to re-connect with the group and engage my mind with more challenging and outward looking influences, to give myself less time to waste on negative and destructive thoughts.
Any other suggestions? Giving myself a slap and telling myself to buck my ideas up goes without saying so any other suggestions would be most welcome.