The Diary of Mummy Limited: Aged 33ish

The first time I became pregnant was in April 2007 after trying for only six months. Our joy at that first positive pregnancy test was short lived and I miscarried at 7 weeks, only one day after taking the test. 

The second time I became pregnant was in August 2007, rather quicker than I’d expected. This time I had the chance to get used to the idea, to feel pregnant, to see the midwife. It ended at 11 weeks with an incomplete miscarriage, confirmed by a scan, showing a clear image of a baby with no heartbeat. 

The third time I became pregnant was in December 2007, definitely too soon after my last disappointment. This time it lasted only 6 weeks and I miscarried a week after getting a positive pregnancy test. 

The fourth time I became pregnant was in July 2008, just as I returned to work after two months off sick because it had all become too much. 

I have written a journal for years and the counselling I received encouraged me to write even more, both as a journal and in letter form. The writing saved me and so to illustrate how Mini Mck was worth waiting for I’ve trawled back to share my journey.

Fri 2nd Nov 2007 (one week after my ERPC procedure)
I have been a little better in the last couple of days but when I stop to think, I just feel so utterly sad (a word which doesn’t seem enough somehow) that it is all over and life is carrying on. I even feel sad that I’ve finished my antibiotics as if it is another step away from being pregnant.

Tues 6th Nov
This is really quite a rollercoaster, I do not feel as positive and forward looking as I did yesterday, mainly due to insensitive and unthoughtful people…..The general feeling I’m getting is that I should be over it by now and yet I am simply holding myself together with cups of tea.

Mon 12th Nov
All in all a pretty gruelling day. Cried a total of 3 times today, sometimes when the feelings come over me it physically hurts, like a lurch in my stomach and an ache in my throat. The third bout of crying feels OK, I’ve had a weep, about what has happened, on my own. I really have nothing to say to anyone.

Thu 31st Jan 2008
It has been 36 hours and I have yet to have a moment when my positive pregnancy test hasn’t been somewhere towards the back or often the front of my mind. Mckdad is still blissfully unaware, lucky for him, I wish I was blissfully unaware. I have to keep chanting ‘one day at a time’ although ‘one hour at a time’ would be more appropriate. There is nothing I can do whatever happens. I know there is no guarantee of a baby at the end of it, but I can’t help thinking there might be.

Tue 5th Feb
My world has crashed around me for the third time in 7 months and I have learned that holding your excitement in makes the devastation no easier.

Thu 7th Feb
Actually feeling very positive today, well maybe not very, but it’s a start. Spent the day with Dad which is always a tonic and threw myself into kitchen planning. Handy to have a project to keep me occupied. Went for long walk yesterday, to the cathedral and back. It was a beautiful day, cold, sunny – lovely.

An extract from a ‘letter’ I wrote to my 2nd baby
It has been eight months since I lost you. Your birth date has been and gone and still I can’t let you go. I miss you although I never saw you. For a long time I didn’t want to let you go and in a way I still don’t but for the most part I want to go forward and you, or rather I am stopping that. Tash [my counsellor] says imagine a cup of tears and once it is full there are no more. Somehow I have to say goodbye to you because, you see, I can’t try again until I have.

Mon 4th Aug
I am pregnant! Bloody hell! In shock and feeling remarkably upbeat for the moment. Too excited to feel tired. I don’t really know what to say it just feels different. Instead of feeling what if it goes wrong, I keep thinking what if it goes right. Come on Sticky Bean, we can do it. Get comfy, please don’t go anywhere.

Tue 12th Aug
I can’t say this to anyone without feeling as if I’m kidding myself, which is why I need to write it down. I have to acknowledge this.
I have a good feeling about this one. I believe that I’m going to have this baby. This one is going to work. That is what my heart says. My stupid, boring paranoid head needs to shut up. My heart needs to shout at it every day “I BELIEVE THAT I WILL HAVE THIS BABY” (and I think it’s a boy-shhhh)

Tue 19th Aug (in France)
The scan on Friday showed very little – just a sac and that has sent me into a bit of a spin, that’s really how I’ve been ever since. Mind you they only put me at 6 weeks on Friday (which I could’ve worked out myself if I’d looked at my own bloody diary rather than using the crappy BBC pregnancy calender!)

Mon 20th Oct
I can’t believe that 2 months have gone by without me writing. I think I’ve simply been avoiding it. I guess it hasn’t been a time for reflecting, simply being. Take one day at a time and they finally mount into weeks. I am now 15 weeks but it still doesn’t seem far enough along.

Wed 26th Nov
I really should be writing more what with being pregnant and all these changes but maybe I’m still too scared. 20 weeks now and scan done. It’s like a real little person now. It’s bones are so clear and we could see 2 kidneys and the 4 chambers of the heart and the brain, which freaked me out  – it has a little brain! It was great but honestly a bit of an anti-climax. I think because it was the first scan I’ve ever had where I wasn’t petrified.

Sun 4th Jan 2009
Mum wants to come with us to look at prams – Oh Lord!

Wed 14th Jan
Just got back from my 1st pregnancy yoga session. It was totally lovely and I’m all chilled and stretched. I hope I finally sleep like a babe now. The relaxation was fantastic, all about connecting with your baby. Sticky Bean gave a couple of gentle kicks which made me feel it was working.

Mon 16th Mar
I am having my coffee in the garden for the 1st time this year. Another reminder that Spring is here and baby will be here soon too. I cannot really believe we are here. A year ago I was in a dreadful state and didn’t believe things would change. Now, at last, baby will be here soon and I’ll have all I wanted.

Thu 9th Apr
This is weird. I am in a state of weirdness. I’m uncomfortable, tired, scared, emotional and grumpy. I’m buckling under the weight, imagined or not, that I should be excited and I just don’t feel it. I know I should, we’ve waited long enough. I’m annoyed with well wishers phoning when there is no news, stories and opinions and OH MY GOD the predictions!

So, was he worth the wait? I’ll leave you with my first entry after he was born, which I think makes it pretty clear.

Sun 7th Jun
I have tried so many times to find a moment to write since Mini Mck was born, but either not had the energy or been able to. The weeks have gone so fast. I think the fastest ever.
He is here and I still cannot really believe it. Everything that happened before seems so long ago. Even pregnancy and giving birth, which is why I should be writing. I feel as though I want to hold onto every moment and keep it for a bit longer. 
Of course it has not all been easy and wonderful. I am no different; still incredibly hard on myself, still listening to those unwanted voices making me doubt myself. 
However, I am different in some ways. I have unconditional, unselfish love for him and want to do my absolute best for him. I don’t mind changing, comforting or feeding him when I see how content and happy it makes him.

This post was written for Sleep is for the Weak’s Writing Workshop using prompt #2 Write about something that was worth waiting for – what was worth the patience and frustration?


14 thoughts on “The Diary of Mummy Limited: Aged 33ish

  1. What a wonderful record of how things were, I often wish I had started to blog sooner, I love having a record of things. I understand the pain of M/c I had numerous too

  2. wow! what a brave composition which must have been hard to write with all those sad memories. So happy that you finally overcame the sad times to get the happiest time now being a Mummy at last! 🙂

  3. Wow! I really enjoyed your post. I miscarried in March of this year – I didn't even know I was pregnant, but I was still devastated. But people do expect you to just get on with it – which is unfair. I think everyone needs time to grieve.I'm glad everything went well with Mini Mck.Beautiful post.

  4. Its wonderful that you have a record of all your feelings, which are often forgotten. You have been through so much, a rollercoaster of fear and emotions. At last you can embrace your lovely bundle…thank you for sharing your experiences

  5. Thank you for sharing your diaries. I am moved to tears. When terrible things happen you wonder how you will ever get through, but this shows that you do. Well done you for hanging in there. He was so worth the wait x

  6. Beautiful post. I love how you describe yourself as being held together with cups of tea. There's something so poignant in that phrase. Very moving post, thank you for sharing it with us. I can imagine you shed some tears as you thought about pubishing it. x

  7. jfb57 – It is nice to have a record although mostly it is me moaning about being pregnant. I didn't enjoy the experience very much!Bumbling – Thank you. I'm glad that it touched you. I was unsure whether to post it.The Madhouse – Yes I wondered from your WW entry. I got the feeling you had experienced something similar.Mummy Mishaps – Thank you so much. It was interesting to see how I changed over the period.bookworm27 – It is a very strange thing to experience and not often understood. I got some good books that helped me alot. Lesley Reagen springs to mind.Mummy Bear – Thanks. It was quite nice to look back and choose the extracts- not easy at times but good I think.Sandy – I thought the same about your post today. I know it's a cliche but "what doesn't kill us…" and all that.Vegemitevix – thank you. I loved that phrase too. Actually the nicest thing about reading the diaries back is that I was surprised at the writing considering it was just blurted out without much thought.

  8. Really powerful post, I'm so sorry that you had to go through all that pain but so thrilled that it all worked out in the end.

  9. This is an wonderful piece. It really brought tears in my eyes. I only miscarried once, but it did feel hard, still. I can only imagine what you've been through. Your son is lucky to have such a brave mother 🙂

  10. This has made me cry.I'm so glad you found the courage to post this. What an incredible, heartbreaking journey for you to have got where you are today. Your strength is inspirational, really.I'm so glad you got your happy ending x

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