Is it just the hormones?

Having been pregnant for over a year of my life, in total, I have come to the conclusion that I simply don’t like it very much.

I never realised that it could be so disabling and once again I am being plagued by the most horrible sickness and tiredness, which feels worse than newborn fog. Although that could be my selective memory kidding me into thinking newborn exhaustion is easier than it is. Physically I find it difficult and wonder if that is due to my age and if I wasn’t so ancient I would fair much better. Sadly, I am more inclined to believe that my body is just not very good at the whole pregnancy thing, as I know women older than me who have sailed through. 

Even more dispiriting, though, is the emotional side of it. I’ve turned into an anxious bad-tempered grump. I am overwhelmed with anxiety about what is to come and what is here now. Things that really deserve to not worried about at all or at least in many months time, when it will be much more real. However still they are there, nagging at my tired brain or even worse revealing themselves in vivid, anxiety laden dreams. 

My Mum told me today to think of last time and how excited I was to be having a baby and at first I nodded and smiled, but as the day as gone on I have thought about this more and my overriding memory of my last pregnancy was definitely not excitement. I have looked back at my journal and that too suggests that I was mainly tired, grumpy, uneasy and impatient. 

I am not naive to the self-indulgence of all this. I do know how lucky I am to be pregnant and to already have a healthy, happy child. I tell myself this all the time, but it doesn’t lift my general funk and even if I do put a smiley face on things, in a “I’m going to ignore myself, as frankly even I am bored now” kind of way, the dreams still come at night. 

Of course, I know there are hormones involved and a big change is on the horizon, so I am just keeping my head down and hoping that this does not last for the rest of my pregnancy. Six months is a long time to be in a bad mood.


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