Beware! Stand back! I am a pregnant woman and I have the ‘rage’. No-one is safe and especially those that try to cheer me up by telling me that I’ve not got long to go and that it is so exciting to be having a baby.
I want the world to leave me alone, stop hassling me to see them, return their calls or respond to their e-mails. Of course, not you dear readers, my on-line people are the only ones that are currently keeping me sane. It is very strange that it seems through a computer I can find honesty and the kind of rye humour I need, rather than the ‘hallmark’ version of pregnancy that seems to exist in the ‘real world’.
Family want to know what we are doing over Easter, which is a perfectly normal question, but I know it is leading to wanting to see us and I just don’t want that. We still have things we want to do before D-Day and Mckdaddy has lots of time off over the next couple of weeks. So we want to be left alone to get on with things. There will be some spare time, but I don’t want to spend it with ‘other’ people. I want to stay safe, in our little unit, just the three of us.
Even the rare offers of help make we want to rage. I realise I am not at my happiest or most bouncy but I feel I am coping well with day to day life. When someone comes over and offers to clean my bathroom, it just makes me feel that they are making a judgement on the state of my house. Anyway, what I really need is for someone to take Mini Mck out and run with him, kick a ball, lift him onto the slide. All the things that I can’t do. Standing and doing a little bit of ironing with the radio on and a cup of tea is far less strenuous than that. However, no-one is offering to do that, no-one actually asks what ‘help’ would actually help me.
I know that if my brain was working in the way it should and I didn’t have hormones tearing thorough my body I would see these attempts at kindness for what they are, but at the moment I don’t want it, I don’t need it and it just seems like added pressure.
I have tried being a more honest during this pregnancy, admitting I don’t like it, that it makes me grumpy and I don’t feel particularly excited about this new arrival, just anxious and overwhelmed by the thought of it all. I may as well have said I don’t like my own child, from the looks I have got. This makes me rage too. Why should I be judged for being honest? I make it clear that I do know it will be worth it and I have no doubt that once the baby arrives I will love it as much as I love my first, but just now I feel grumpy and irritable and full of rage. If people don’t want the truth they shouldn’t ask.
In fact, that would be great, just don’t ask. I am tired of being asked about this pregnancy as if I am just a bump now and not a person. I still have a brain and I don’t want to think or talk about being pregnant ALL the time.
I think it’s all a form of nesting, a rather extreme form perhaps, but wanting to withdraw seems perfectly natural, it is what my instincts are urging me to do. We need to do practical things, but I also need to prepare myself and I work best if I can do that without interference, without any added pressure. We need to spend some time, just the three of us, we will not be a family of three for much longer and I want these last weeks to be as enjoyable they can be.
So, don’t expect the rage to disappear, perhaps my hormones are doing what is required by ensuring that I rage sufficiently to keep people away, to do what I need to do for myself and for my family, all of them, even the ones that are not here yet.