I have been struggling a little lately, finding life with two littlies a challenge, losing sight of the good stuff and wanting to hide away.
Hiding away is my default position when I’m not at my best. I can’t face the constant refereeing of toddler squabbles, getting 3 lots of shoes and coats and 2 lots of nappies and snacks is too much of a hassle. Add to that, timing trips out with naps for teething Nano and it is easier to just continue in our bubble.
I am hiding myself away too though. When I find mothering hard, the last thing I want to do is make small talk with other mothers, about mothering. I don’t want to talk about potty training or nursery or how much TV they should or shouldn’t watch or whether Nano is sleeping through the night. In fact, I don’t really want to talk about anything much at all. I just want to hide, but hiding isn’t good and so I hide anyway and just feel bad about doing it.
I have tried this week to feel better. I started it spending some time with a lovely friend who I wish lived closer, reminding me that with the right people you don’t have to hide. I have stayed away from the time sucking internet in the evenings and got early nights instead in an attempt to feel less tired and I have filled my days with play, card making, ironing to Pixar and tidying during the day to try and reduce the chaos by bedtime. The children have fallen in to a routine whereby they tag team their naps (if Mini Mck naps at all) making the above list tricky, if not impossible.
Regardless of all of that, I am here, before 10am on a sunny Thursday, surveying the mess and feeling despondent that I have given up on our short attempt at potty training, even though I know it’s the right thing to do. One child is watching TV and the other is asleep and I know I should be using this time to get organised, to salvage my day and yet I cannot seem to move and instead am wallowing, overwhelmed by the feeling that I can’t cope, that I am tired, despite the early nights and that I am failing.
Of course, I will cope. I will have a cry, write a self indulgent moaning blog post and make a coffee. I am seeing one of my very closest friends next week and I know that even if we have to toddler wrangle it will be with good humour and comradeship. Perhaps then I will remember why hiding is not a good thing, or at least it isn’t if it goes on for too long.
Apologies for today’s less than cheery post, however, sometimes I have to let the brave face drop, even if it is just in front of a computer and accept that I am finding this hard and although it will pass, it is hard just now and that maybe I need to do something about that.
Normal service will resume shortly………..hopefully