When I started this blog it was on a whim, just a feeling I had that I wanted to write, to have a space for me to express myself and be myself. Once I had started I found a community of people that I enjoyed reading and conversing with and a number of fun opportunities to do reviews or make a small amount of money. I had no idea that it would become so utterly entwined with my thoughts and feelings and be an extension of myself, but it has.
I want to make it a happy, fun place for both my readers and myself and at the moment have all sorts of posts I want to write. I want to catch up on the reviews I have outstanding and tell you about fantastic things I have heard on the radio. I want to write a beautiful post about Mini Mck turning three and what is going on in our allotment. I want to illustrate all of these with lovely, jolly photos, but at the moment I can’t. I am stuck because there are other things on my mind and until I have written those I can’t muster the inspiration to post anything else. I had no idea this would happen.
Sometimes a blog is about joining in with a community, or making some money, or thinking about stats and rankings. Sometimes it is about treasuring a memory or sharing something that you think your audience will enjoy, but occasionally it is just about getting what is inside your head out onto the page and nothing more. That is where I am today.
Recently, I have been experiencing, what I can only describe as, anxiety of almost physical proportions. I feel knots in my jaw and between my eyes and when my mind is allowed to wander it feels as though I have a lump in my chest, everything is tense.
We have a lot going on in the next month. Both Mckdaddy and I will be spending time away from home at different times and we have Nano’s baptism to organise in less than two weeks, a thought which makes me freeze with worry. It should be an event to catch up with family and friends and have them welcome Nano into their lives, but at the moment it just seems like a list that has yet to even be written, let alone actioned.
However, when I really strip it all away, what makes me take a sharp intake of breath is the fact that Mini Mck starts pre-school this week. I find myself obsessing about the detail, the nuts and bolts of it all. What does he need to take? Have I labelled all the relevant clothes? Will we get there on time?
But it isn’t really that. These worries are all surface, tangible manifestations of what I am really anxious about. For three years it has just be us, my boy and I, in our own bubble. We bowl along at our own pace, on our own timetable and I am responsible for what we do and where we go. Of course, we have been joined by Nano, but he has really just slotted in to our little world.
Suddenly, I am losing that. Someone else will be trusted with his care, even if it is for only a few hours a week. Things are about to change and this time I have had with him is over. Before I know it pre-school will turn into school and that will be every day, for six hours. Even as type these words I want to scream “IT IS TOO FAST! STOP!”
The logical, left side of my brain knows that this is the right time and the right thing. It knows that he is ready to take a step away and that it really is only a small step. It speaks to me to say that everybody else I know has already done this bit of letting go and has done it much earlier than I have had to. It knows too that I need this. Looking after a high energy toddler all day, every day is hard work, particularly when there is a smaller child who needs me too. I need some time away from Mini and I am little doubt that this regular break will make me a more patient, enthused parent.
Nevertheless, my emotions are running away with me and of course I need to put a brave face on things, so that he doesn’t pick up on it and the rest of the world don’t think I’m bonkers. Hence, the anxiety, the butterflies in the stomach and the knots.
I can only hope that after this week is over I will feel the weight lift and without that weight I will no longer feel paralysed by it all and can get on with the rest of our busy weeks ahead.
My other hope is that by finally sitting down and writing what is really in my head, next time you visit it will be business as usual. Thanks for bearing with me.