Life is busy, birthdays, school admission stuff, extra nursery sessions, on top of the normal rounds of trips to the park, biscuit making and ironing. It’s all getting done. I am getting it done and I am fine.
Kind of. The annoying thing about sadness is that it doesn’t just go away because you will it to do so. It hangs around, mostly hiding, poking out in the quiet moments or if you have few quiet moments it makes some for you, by waking you up before it’s even light.
I’d like to that that very British thing of just putting it all in a mental box and burying it. Just step over it. I know the drill, have felt it all before, so can’t I just skip all this? Except it doesn’t work like that. You can’t just step over the bits of life that you don’t like, you have to go through them to reach the lightness ahead. How very annoying and inconvenient.
Comparing yourself to others worse off than you doesn’t magic it away either. Regardless of the fact that you know what you are going through is really nothing and that others are in real, raw, justified pain, you still feel what you feel. I look at what I have and I know I am lucky, in fact I don’t just know it, I feel it too. Lucky and grateful, but emotions are not completely in our control, they can’t simply be swept away by logic. Much better to let them in and wait until they wash away on their own, slowly eroded by time.
I often think that these emotions have faded and then something happens to make me realise that I have just been stepping over them and they have not gone at all. This week it struck that the latest round of pregnancy announcements have hurt just a little more because, they have similar due dates to the one I would have had if things had been different. The magical twelve weeks would have been and gone. The realisation takes my breathe away for a moment and a sigh leaves my body, an almost physical accepting and releasing of an emotion.
There is nothing to be done. I have everything I need to be better, it simply takes time and I am impatient. I must wait it out. Wait it out and write it out, because that is all that I know.