Trying to get pregnant can suck you into quite a self-destructive cycle, especially if you are an over-thinker, which I am. At any time of the month you are either definitely not pregnant and so fed up about that, looking for signs that it is a good time to get pregnant or waiting two weeks when you don’t know if you are or not and spotting every symptom going, at this particular time of the month Google should be disabled from all devices to prevent constant internet trawling. I guess they don’t call the whole thing a ‘cycle’ for nothing. It’s mentally exhausting.
Add to this thoughts about every increasing age, anger and disappointment about a recent miscarriage and a tendency to expect the worse in all scenarios and one can find oneself putting life on hold and in quite a funk. As a friend on Twitter summed up perfectly this week “Everything is fine, it’s just a bit ‘meh'”
Putting life on hold just adds more pressure for that elusive second line in the window, simply because you can’t live for long in a constant limbo. I decide that I will have that piece of cake because I might be pregnant soon and then it won’t matter, or I don’t go running because I might be pregnant soon and won’t be able to train for races, so what’s the point? Then, all the other little things slide, going to bed at a decent time, reading, doing my hair or make up, eating nice food. My brain is slowly taken over by an oppressive, pregnancy obsessed cloud. It’s just not healthy.
After this cycle of destructive obsessing claimed me last month I decided I needed to do practical things to turn my brain around. I am a big believer that we are made up of the little things, it is what makes us who we are and they shouldn’t be dismissed as trivial. When the big stuff is just a matter of time and nature, what else is there to do but focus on the small things?
And so, this week I have concentrated changing small things. It started as small as cleaning my face and teeth before bed and reading just a few pages of my book, but I have also been running twice, after months of excuses, I have blogged in the evening and possibly most importantly I have gone to sleep at a decent time.
Unfortunately, my attempts at positivity have been scuppered somewhat by a stomach bug hitting the whole family and I certainly don’t recommend running when you are still getting over a virus, but hey, I did it anyway and am still pleased I did.
There’s a certain element of faking it until you make it. It’s like the theory that if you smile even if you don’t feel like it, you will feel happier after a certain time. It turns out that if you make an effort to do normal things, even if you don’t feel like it, you start to feel more normal, more person and less pregnancy waiting, weeping mess.
So, I shall continue with the small things, until the big things fall into place, (or don’t, but that’s something I don’t have to think about for some time) because there really is nothing else to do and it feels good.