I can’t seem to write. This is the third post I have started this week, the other two are too hideous to edit and will probably sit forever in my drafts folder, I don’t tend to ‘do’ drafts that never get published. It’s all very weird.
I want to record this time, this strange limbo time, when the baby could come tomorrow or could be another 3 or more weeks. So much seems to have been happening and yet nothing has happened at all. So much to process in my head and so much to do and yet suddenly as soon as I sit in front of a screen, all the lucid thoughts and words fall out of my head and not via the ends of my fingers either.
Perhaps it is a reflection of this strange, nothing-y waiting time. Life is carrying on as normal, but slightly not normal. A stasis like bubble surrounds me, as much as I try to swat it away, it returns. Nothing to do but wait and yet so much seems to need doing, so many things being added to the ‘Before the baby comes’ list.
At 36 weeks ago, I went for an extra scan. There was some question mark over the baby’s growth and more worryingly for me, at least, whether it was breech. Ironically, this scan was arranged at the Midwife’s home visit to discuss preparations for my requested home birth. I had done virtually nothing to prepare for the arrival of an actual baby, either to be born at home or in a hospital. There is nothing quite like the prospect of a c-section to push you into action and so for a few days I found myself frantically collecting home birth supplies, such as dust sheets (yes, really!) and old linen and towels, whilst at the same time stocking the freezer and cupboards in case I was unable to drive for weeks after the birth.
Thankfully, I just have a baby with a boney, head like bottom and it is head down and ready to go. I decided that preparing for a possible c-section could only help those early newborn days, even if I didn’t have one and have been amazed at how much I have now achieved in a small space of time. My freezer is full to bursting, baby clothes have been washed, dried, folded and put into drawers, car seats covers have been washed and all put in the car to see what fits where and my labour bag is packed.
I have taken to calling it a labour bag as opposed to a hospital bag in an attempt to be positive about actually managing to have a home birth. It contains all the things we will need for labour and afterwards for the baby. I just hope I get to use it at home and not have to take it to the hospital.
In addition to this I have found that suddenly the car has to be cleaned and the skirting boards needs to be washed. The craft cupboard absolutely cannot be left any longer and needs sorting. My theory about nesting is that is just a long succession of distraction techniques, because while I busy myself doing all of these things and satisfyingly crossing things off my list, I am really spending a lot of time thinking about giving birth, wondering when, how, how long it will take and how I will handle. Veering from thinking I will be calm and collected and then being convinced that I will fly into a ridiculous panic. Underlying all this, I suppose, is the thought that I just want it here, safe and well and so the sooner that can happen the better.
I said at the beginning that I was struggling to write and I still feel that way, hence no obvious end to this post. I guess that’s indicative too, as at the moment I have no endings, only waiting. Hopefully I shall soon be able to show you a completed, hooky project, something with a proper full stop……….
The MADS blog awards 2014 are open for nominations. I shall definitely be nominating some of my favourite blogs and would love you consider me in any category that you think appropriate. I know I’ve moaned a lot about being pregnant, but I like to think I’ve portrayed it’s ups and downs in an honest way, much as I will those baby days. Although, if you’re a new visitor, please read some other posts. Frankly this one is just the ramblings of a heavily pregnant woman with writer’s block. As much as it makes me cringe to ask for votes, I saw a tweet from Grace Dent asking for votes in the Glamour Awards today. If she can do it, so can I.