Everything is unfinished and interrupted. Even the tiniest things. I never get from the beginning of something to the end. Blog posts gathering dust, in fact everything gathering dust. A quick tidy round here, a half emptied dishwasher there and my focus is always divided, so no-one gets the best of me. Everything interrupted. Naps, conversations, thoughts, usually by a small voice shouting or a cry from the monitor. It’s frustrating. Intensely frustrating. As the day goes on the unfinished accumulates, physically and mentally. The wet washing, now too late to hang out, the shopping being stepped over as dinner is prepared, the forgotten thoughts, the half finished conversations. It makes my head hurt.
Of course it’s normal and unavoidable, which means I feel guilty for feeling frustrated. Constantly fire fighting and not finishing anything is wearing though and it just isn’t me. I like a list, a task, even a small one. Something to mentally or actually cross through. Reaching the end of the day without accomplishing anything is infuriating, especially when you know that tomorrow will be the same.
Babies are so consuming and so whenever I am with her my focus is split between her and whatever else is going on. I long for some distance, but at the same time do not want to be too far away or for too long.
This is one of those time that needs grinding out. Not quite a newborn, bit still needing so much from me and only me. I feel, by now, there should be more order and I like order, but we are not there yet. We have very little routine, apart from the school run, which is forced on us and juggling two other little people, means I can’t always provide everything she needs at the moment she needs it. More guilt.
These early years mean accomplishing very little, whilst at the same time accomplishing a lot. It’s just that the thing I am accomplishing doesn’t ‘look’ like anything, it isn’t tangible, it cannot be crossed off a list. Unless of course the first thing on the list every day reads “raised children”
I feel I am lacking any kind of coherent point, which actually seems quite appropriate. I am unable to form one. My brain is a tired jumble of half thoughts.
I will end with this though. Yesterday I went for a run. 20 mins. I started a run and a I finished a run. Uninterrupted. My attention focused on one thing. My mind allowed to wander, without intrusion. I completed something. It felt good.