Interrupted

Everything is unfinished and interrupted. Even the tiniest things. I never get from the beginning of something to the end. Blog posts gathering dust, in fact everything gathering dust. A quick tidy round here, a half emptied dishwasher there and my focus is always divided, so no-one gets the best of me. Everything interrupted. Naps, conversations, thoughts, usually by a small voice shouting or a cry from the monitor. It’s frustrating. Intensely frustrating. As the day goes on the unfinished accumulates, physically and mentally. The wet washing, now too late to hang out, the shopping being stepped over as dinner is prepared, the forgotten thoughts, the half finished conversations. It makes my head hurt.

Of course it’s normal and unavoidable, which means I feel guilty for feeling frustrated. Constantly fire fighting and not finishing anything is wearing though and it just isn’t me. I like a list, a task, even a small one. Something to mentally or actually cross through. Reaching the end of the day without accomplishing anything is infuriating, especially when you know that tomorrow will be the same.

Babies are so consuming and so whenever I am with her my focus is split between her and whatever else is going on. I long for some distance, but at the same time do not want to be too far away or for too long.

This is one of those time that needs grinding out. Not quite a newborn, bit still needing so much from me and only me. I feel, by now, there should be more order and I like order, but we are not there yet. We have very little routine, apart from the school run, which is forced on us and juggling two other little people, means I can’t always provide everything she needs at the moment she needs it. More guilt.

These early years mean accomplishing very little, whilst at the same time accomplishing a lot. It’s just that the thing I am accomplishing doesn’t ‘look’ like anything, it isn’t tangible, it cannot be crossed off a list. Unless of course the first thing on the list every day reads “raised children”

I feel I am lacking any kind of coherent point, which actually seems quite appropriate. I am unable to form one. My brain is a tired jumble of half thoughts.

I will end with this though. Yesterday I went for a run. 20 mins. I started a run and a I finished a run. Uninterrupted. My attention focused on one thing. My mind allowed to wander, without intrusion. I completed something. It felt good.

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4 thoughts on “Interrupted

  1. I understand, I really do. And in two weeks or thereabouts we will be back there and a few months from there I will be thinking exactly what you are thinking now. But I’m just going to remind you of your lovely post recently where you talked about how everything can wait. It can STILL wait. And in the meantime, do things you CAN complete, like that run. A run always clears the mind and isn’t something that takes too long to achieve. Will you remind me of this six months from now when I’m writing an identical post?! #easiersaidthandone

  2. I can feel this frustration with you! I remember it so well – almost the most overpowering memory of being a mother to a tiny person. All I can say is that maybe order is over-rated?

  3. I love this post! Hate it actually, because it perfectly describes my life phase. And, as I write this comment, I am interrupted by a cry from a monitor myself. At 10:20pm. Just when I thought I was safe. Gah! Hang in there mama, in other homes around the world, many other mamas are frustrated with the same things as you are. They are weary, they are at times wondering if their work makes any difference, at times wondering if they will ever feel rested again. With the tiniest last crumb of wakefulness left in me, I cling to the hope all these started things matter. Because we are raising little humans. Caring for little souls. I suppose that is worth interrupting my life for?

  4. Goodness me, yes. It’s taken me a long time to feel that I can make a list and tick things off. I have lowered my standards a lot over the last 9 years (my youngest is three and a half) but I understand your frustration. Have you read “What Mothers Do especially when it looks like nothing”. It might help you feel a little more positive about this (difficult) stage of life.

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