In defence of non-judgemental self-care

January was peak month for lots of talk about self-care and one particular interview caught my ears and made me start thinking about self-care and what it really means, or at least what it should mean. Two sisters were being interviewed on the radio about their book Self-care in the Real World and I wondered if this would actually cut through the noise and speak to a normal person like me.

One look at Instagram would have you believe that self-care is buying soy candles and wearing loungewear from Toast, so perhaps it was possible to find something from these authors that would resonate.

Unfortunately not. Their advice was well-meaning enough (and by well-meaning, of course I mean as well-meaning as you can be when you are flogging a book). They advocated “putting yourself in your own diary” which actually isn’t terrible advice. I know we all say we are too busy for that, but presumably there are times when we are not parenting or working and could think about ourselves a bit more.

But that was really as far as their ‘real world’ advice went. They went on to talk about food and how we should savour the preparation and eating of food. “Really taste it” As you can imagine, by this point my eyes had started to roll out of my head. I’m not disagreeing that, in an ideal world, this would be my preferred state of cooking, but in the real world this just doesn’t happen. Aside from the fact that cooking dinner is done while trying to tidy the kitchen and dining room, refereeing squabbles and packing tomorrow’s lunches, I cook nearly everyday and if you cook everyday, it becomes a bore. Of course, sometimes it’s an utter pleasure. Pottering around the kitchen of a weekend, baking or filling the freezer, but this is a rare treat, that needs forward planning.

For parents, their advice included “Practice self-care at the same time as your children. For example, a guided family meditation”. I feel that for most people with children, I probably don’t need to say much more about that idea to explain why it’s pretty crazy. *glances over at children doing headstands on the couch*. OK, maybe once in a blue moon you may get your children to all sit still a the same time for 10 mins, but it’ll be rare, right? RIGHT?!

My first thought was how ridiculous that was and wouldn’t most parents agree with me, but then that little voice of doom crept in, whispering to me that I just be failing at the parenting thing, because my children are too feral for meditation. I did dismiss the voice pretty quickly, but it had still sneaked in, making me feel inadequate.

And this brings me to my main point. When did looking after ourselves become something to make us feel bad about ourselves? Self-care seems to mean no sugar, lots of yoga, no screens, buying stuff, well-behaved, chilled out children. INTERNET BAD. MEDITATION GOOD. By trying to care for ourselves more, we seem to have found a way to beat ourselves around the head for not being a better version of ourselves, with children who love a guided meditation.

For me, self-care could mean a frozen pizza for my kids packed lunches, because I am just so sick of making sandwiches. For my friend, Vicky, it’s “crime dramas and biscuits” (which I am totally on board with) It’s a cup of tea and a pile of knitting, it’s a comforting, unchallenging novel, it’s not bothering with dinner and eating buttered toast and jam in front of the TV, it’s a good radio programme or podcast while you fold the washing. It’s deciding against that early alarm to get up before the kids, it’s buying boring, but useful things that you never replace, it’s a glass of wine and turning the music up, so you can’t hear the bickering. (sometimes! I am not a monster!) It’s saying “no, I won’t read you another chapter” or maybe reading them an extra chapter, just because it’s a good book. (For those of you who think this will never happen, just wait until they are about seven and a whole host of brilliant books will open itself to you both)

It is true that often the things that are really good for us, aren’t always the most attractive choice. We could all probably do with going to bed earlier and I can’t say I’ve even regretted making the time to do some yoga of an evening, but neither have I regretted knitting a few rows and bingeing on Netflix. When asked about self-care no-one ever says “oh, I watch TV” but we all do it.

Surely, self-care should basically mean “doing something for ourselves that we enjoy and makes us feel rested, relaxed and at ease”? I can assure you that a guided meditation with my children is not going to do that! Let’s reclaim self-care and indulge ourselves in some good winter tele and a biscuit or two, hey?

On wanting less

I want to want less, but if I am honest, I am terrible at wanting less. I don’t mean having less. I can de-clutter with the best of them and we live within our means, I mean actually wanting less in the first place. We live on a pretty tight budget. Don’t get me wrong, we have a nice standard of living. We don’t freeze, we don’t starve and we have many of the trappings of modern life. There are many people who really, properly struggle. The point of this isn’t really who has more, but how much I would like to desire less things. Things that I can’t justify buying and so don’t, but so wish I could and it’s the wishing that I would like to stop. 

It’s not an attractive quality when we really break it down, is it? Wanting more. Seeing things and thinking ” I want that” or “I wish I could have that” and if there is one thing I wish I could get better at, it is wanting less, coverting less. It’s that niggling feeling that I should be able to have nice things or go more places. I wouldn’t even describe myself as materialistic. I think if I truly was, then I wouldn’t feel as torn as I do. I would be happy to worship at the alter of consumerism and probably have a much bigger credit card bill. But I am not happy to do so. I feel uneasy with this side of myself, but that unease doesn’t make it any easier to stop wanting. 

It’s not entirely my fault of course, we are literally bombarded with advertising everywhere we look. Thousands of messages put in front of us every day trying to get us to buy this and go here. That this will make us feel better, make us happier and even if we resist most of the time, there will be moments when we are tired or sad or fed up, or even sometimes when we are happy and feel that we deserve a ‘treat’ and we will cave. We will give into one of these messages or images and believe that buying the ‘thing’ will make us happy. 

It is at this point that I am supposed to say that it doesn’t work and that things don’t make us happy and fundamentally they don’t. We need love and health and a certain standard of living for that, but can we we honest for a moment?Sometimes, things do make us happy. A new lipstick, a spruced up living room, a new house plant, your favourite mug, a night off from cooking. Alone, they do not make a life, but they certainly make my life cheerier and I may be shallow to admit it, but I also suspect  I am not alone in this. 

Social Media doesn’t help us avoid these messages to buy. Even when they are not delivered by the companies wanting us to buy from them, we are seeing small peeps into people’s lives and the ‘things’ they own. Sometimes overtly, I mean who hasn’t posted a “look at this gorgeous new thing I just bought” photo, but often just from seeing glimpses of homes and lives. 

New thing picture

We are bombarded from the other side of the coin as well. The simple, slow living, minimalist movement has mushroomed over the last few years and it talks a lot of sense. Encouraging us to think about what we own, what we really need and what we can take out of our overstuffed lives, but it can be problematic for us too. Aside from the fact that it’s proponents can come across as unbelievably smug and self-riteous, it can also seem like just another advert for stuff. Check out any slow living hashtag on Instagram and you will see some beautiful images. Some gorgeous views of course and most that give you a lovely sense of peace and serenity, but many of them will show you gorgeous homewares, amazing spaces filled with the highest quality soft furnishings, crockery, lighting and clothing. Sometimes the simple life can still make those ‘wanting’ senses tingle.  Hygge is a fabulous example of this. The Danish idea of enjoying life’s simple pleasures, of gathering with friends and the feeling of cosiness. At this time of year it sounds perfect for all of us. As well as sounding perfect it also makes me want to buy gorgeous scented candles and the cosiest blankets and throws. I suspect not the point of Hygge. 


So, how do we go about wanting less? Unfortunately, I don’t have the answer and I am hoping some of you do. I read a thing this week, that suggested just feeling the feeling and I am always a fan of letting ourselves feel what we feel. So, simply acknowledging that we are having an urge to spend money, just as we would acknowledge the urge to eat something, or have a glass of wine can help us not to act on that urge. I have made the decision to stop following a lot of businesses on Instagram, to remove some temptation and am trying to satisfy my ‘treat urge’ by getting small or useful things. A box of lovely tea, a bottle of really cheap, but lovely bubble bath. I am hoping that taking these small steps and by being honest, I will start to want less and not feel I am somehow missing out. 

So, thoughts? 

Digital Detox lite

The idea of a Digital Detox does not appeal to me. Some may say it’s because I am addicted to my smart phone and the idea of unplugging fills me with dread. I prefer to think of it as liking the connections I make online, enjoying the things I learn from the internet and it providing a much needed break in my day. We’ll stick with that, shall we? 

On a more serious note, I do think that this online world that we live in now gets demonised to such a huge extent and mostly I’ve found it to be a force for good. A pool of like-minded and interesting people. Behind all those pictures, tweets and blog posts is a person trying to make a connection. I understand that behind some of them are people trying to make a negative and damaging connection, I am not entirely naive, but mostly it’s ordinary people, sharing their ordinary lives. 

So, I don’t really buy the need for a digital detox. I know most people who do it extol it’s virtues, but I’m not convinced it’s for me. However, I do think my internet and social media usage needs a bit of a makeover. It needs to go to Digital bootcamp or a Digital Detox lite. 

There’s too much mindless scrolling, too much clicking on links that don’t really interest me, too much time spent moving from one social media app to another without any real engagement, like endlessly opening the fridge when you’re hungry, even though you know what’s in there. However, I’m not doing enough of the stuff that I do enjoy and that does add something to my life. Not enough reading and commenting on blogs, not starting conversations on Twitter and Instagram. Not enough reading stuff that challenges and engages me, stuff that I want to share with others.

So, for the next two weeks, I am going to change my habits. I’ve chosen two weeks, because this week is half term and our routine is so changed with everyone at home that it’s not a real test. You probably won’t notice a difference, in fact you might think I am around more, because you may find a comment on your blog or your pictures from me, but my habits will be different. 

Here are my Digital Detox lite rules: 

– No merry-go-round switching between apps. If I am checking social media, I check each app once and then put it down.

– No mindless scrolling. If I am on the internet, engage with the people there and if I don’t feel like engaging, then I shall come back when I do. 

– Open my blog reader first, before I go anywhere else, visit those enclaves of the internet that people have put time into and that I enjoy visiting the most and because it makes my day when people comment, leave a comment. 

– Set a time limit when browsing. No more standing in the kitchen for half an hour with my coat still on scrolling ( Don’t pretend you haven’t done it!)

– NO clicking on links of things that only mildly interest me. It’s called click bait for a reason. Do NOT fall for it. 

– On a non social media topic, but equally as important. Unsubscribe from marketing emails and delete emails as soon as they come in, if they do not interest me. 

– No screens after 9pm, apart from if I am taking part in the Blogtacular Twitter chat, which is my favourite hour on Twitter each week. 

I am really interested to see if these changes make a difference to my digital experience. I could be proved wrong and perhaps I do need a complete digital detox, but I’m hoping I don’t *clutches all Apple products closely to chest*. How about you? So your digital habits need a bootcamp?